Why You Can't Fight Feelings with Logic: Embracing Emotional Intelligence in Relationships
"You can't fight feelings." This sentiment kept resurfacing during a recent episode on the Gen 2 Gen Podcast discussing relationship communication hurdles between millennials and Gen Z.
Host Phil brought up a critical point in the debate - when disagreements occur between partners, oftentimes one party responds emotionally while the other tries responding logically. This breeds intense frustration.
Attempting to argue rationally why someone "shouldn't" feel upset, angry, or suspicious typically backfires. Dismissing a partner's lived emotional experience, no matter how irrational it seems to you, demonstrates a lack of emotional intelligence. It makes them feel invalidated rather than understood.
Why We Can't "Fight Feelings"
Feelings arise involuntarily based on our perceptions, past programming, unhealed triggers and survival instincts. They operate separately from logic. As Phil aptly summed it up:
"You cannot fight feelings. You cannot argue with feelings... If she made me feel upset, I can't argue that."
Yet so many of us irrationally try battling emotions with reason. When this fails, relationships suffer.
Arguing with emotions rarely changes minds
When you experience an emotion, attempting to logically argue why you shouldn't often exacerbates frustration. It neglects the root cause fueling why you feel a certain way in the first place.
Pressuring someone to "get over" feelings quickly so you can solve the surface issue might seem pragmatic. But you only postpone pain that will inevitably resurface later.
Logic versus emotional reality
Emotions reflect our subjective reality. When others impose their logical reasoning onto your emotions, it makes you feel they don't actually "get" your personal experience. This breeds isolation within intimacy.
Using logic as a weapon against a partner's vulnerabilities causes more harm than good. Each party walks away feeling unheard and disrespected.
The Danger of Emotional Invalidation
Relationship experts caution against emotional invalidation between partners for good reason. Some problematic behaviors stemming from invalidating a partner's emotions include:
- Gaslighting and emotionally manipulating them for expressing needs
- Projecting the stance "you're too sensitive" or using their reaction against them during future conflicts
- Intimidating, engineered displays of loud anger or violence in response to vulnerable admissions
- Mocking emotions to shame them for normal emotional responses
When habitual emotional invalidation goes unchecked in relationships, it may even constitute emotional or psychological abuse.
Moving with emotional flow states
The next time you and your partner hit a rough patch, approach each other with empathy first. Instead of arguing emotions aren't "right", understand they provide a window where someone feels psychologically unsafe.
Dig below the surface feelings to identify the root insecurity or fear catalyzing them, then problem-solve from that vantage point. Relationships grounded in high collective emotional intelligence equip partners to acknowledge rather than argue with each other's emotions as they fluidly ebb, flow and evolve.
This article explored why you can't fight or argue with emotions themselves when communicating with a partner during times of conflict. Validating each other's emotions demonstrates intimacy while seeking solutions together combats isolation.
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